"Ryan! Ryan, wake up!" I shook him desperately, but to no avail. I put my head to his chest, listening to a rapidly failing hearbeat. A few minutes ago, a bomb had exploded just a few feet away, filling the air with dust and shrapnel. Jake and I had been spared, but Ryan had been hit. I closed my eyes to the chaos around me, tears freely flowing down my face. The buildings around me were reduced to nothing more than dust, and the area stank of blood and sewage.
1 comments:
Hi Kenneth,
I liked how you described the picture with a first person point of view. However, you should try to add in more description using the five different senses. You may also want to give a more vivid description of the setting. Your ending was very sudden. Perhaps you may want to add in a more appropriate ending such as using a first person point of view to end it since you started with it as well. You may choose to use feelings of the person to give the conclusion. Overall, it is quite nice seeing how it is different as compared to other descriptive posts by our classmates.
Cheers,
Leonard
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